A blog about TTC, infertility and hope

Tag Archives: Miscarriage

Dr. M called me yesterday and said that my blood work checking for chromosome issues came back normal, my HCG was negative (which I suspected), and my progesterone was low showing that I hadn’t ovulated on my own (suspected that, as well). He told me to come in today and get more blood work done to check my HCG again before he starts me on Letrizole. Once I go (in about 10 minutes) he said he will call me this afternoon with results- if my HCG is negative than I can go ahead and start Letrizole tonight. 

I haven’t gotten a period since my miscarriage in the beginning of July. So my question is, isn’t Letrizole supposed to be taken on day 3 of your cycle? Shouldn’t i get a period before starting Letrizole? Will Letrizole give me a period? I’m kind of confused. Any feed back is greatly appreciated. Thank you!! 


The other day was a bad one. The RE sent us to have blood work done to check for any chromosome abnormalities. Insurance covered my blood work but my husbands was $824.00!! I broke down and cried and said we couldn’t keep dishing out money like this. I felt defeated and was ready to give up. My poor husband always has to pick up my broken pieces. He texted me lyrics to a song called “Hope in Front of Me” by Danny Gokey. The lyrics spoke to me- and my anger, grief, tears, and heartache subsided. I know that those feelings will unfortunately return in my journey, but for now my wonderful husband saved the day, yet again! I’m posting the lyrics below and hoping it can help someone feel a little better today 🙂 Here’s to Hope!! 

DANNY GOKEY LYRICS – Hope In Front Of Me//

“Hope In Front Of Me”

I’ve been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I’ve seen the dark and the broken places
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I’ll be alright

There’s hope in front of me
There’s a light, I still see it
There’s a hand still holding me
Even when I don’t believe it
I might be down but I’m not dead
There’s better days still up ahead
Even after all I’ve seen
There’s hope in front of me

There’s a place at the end of the storm
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind

You open up your eyes and up ahead
There’s a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You’ll be alright

There’s hope in front of me
There’s a light, I still see it
There’s a hand still holding me
Even when I don’t believe it
I might be down but I’m not dead
There’s better days still up ahead
Even after all I’ve seen
There’s hope in front of me

There’s a hope still burning
I can feel it rising trough the night
And my world’s still turning
I can feel your love here by my side

You’re my hope
You’re the light, I still see it
Your hands are holding me
Even when I don’t believe it
I’ve got to believe
I still have hope
You are my hope

(Lyrics taken from http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/dannygokey/hopeinfrontofme.html)

I’m back! There hasn’t been much to update lately. 

My beta finally was down to zero on July 16th and I was instructed to call when AF showed up. As of today, there is still no sign of it. So I called the office yesterday to let them know I was still waiting and asked if we could just move forward or if I still had to wait. The nurse told me they want to do labs to make sure I am not pregnant (I really don’t think I am) and they are also going to test for chromosome abnormalities due to my two miscarriages in 6 months. I’m so nervous about these results, but remaining positive that everything will be A-OK!  Once they get the results back from the lab, we will have a short consultation with Dr. M. and then hopefully proceed with our first IUI. 

Tomorrow me and my love are leaving for Ocean City, MD until Sunday. Last bit of summer fun and then its back to baby business! I’m more than ready to start trying again! 

Last night I’m watching TV and a commercial comes on for Universal Studios. I say to Hubs, “Next year lets go on a road trip to Florida!” He agrees and immediately the thought pops into my head- What if I’m pregnant next year? What if its not just me and hubs, what if we have a baby by this time next year? I’m getting excited and grinning. 

These happy thoughts are then followed by, what if I’m not pregnant? What if we don’t have our baby? What if we are still trying? What if our upcoming IUI’s don’t work? What if our only way is IVF? What if we can’t come up with the money for IVF? 

We’ve only been seeing our RE since November. But we’ve been together for almost 8 years- not preventing, not trying. Since January I’ve been pregnant twice and lost both. All of these negative “what if’s” are completely valid when it comes to dealing with infertility. I am not in control, I don’t know how things will pan out. I don’t know how long it will take. I do not know if it will ever happen.

The only thing I can do, is keep trying! I will not give up, I will not let this battle defeat me. All of the “What if’s” will stay on my mind- both negative and positive-but I will never know if I don’t try. 

Everything annoys me, everything upsets me, everything makes me wanna crawl into bed and stay there. I hate days like this. I don’t wanna be “that girl”.

This girl at my job just started working there about two months ago. When she first started I was pretty open with her about our fertility struggles, since she would be the one covering for me when I have my million doctor appointments. She’s a little younger (24) and has 2 step kids with her fiancee’- which she complained about everyday- and told me she doesn’t was kids of her own because trying to find activities for her step kids on the weekend was already too much. (sigh) About a month ago, she tells me she’s gonna be late for work because she has a doctor appointment. I asked if everything was okay and she tells me she’s pregnant! :/ I couldn’t even say congratulations, the first thing I say is, “I thought you didn’t want kids?” (rude, I know) She replies, “I don’t!” Ugghhhhh

For the rest of the day we didn’t really talk. I was super upset. Not with her, but with the situation. I didn’t really think anyone at my job would pop up pregnant. There are only 9 people who work in our office and 6 of them are men. The other lady is in her late 50’s and her kids are grown. For the past five years that I’ve worked there, I was the only one in the office who would get pregnant- until this new girl showed up. Near the end of the day, she comes up to me and says, “listen, I know you’re trying to get pregnant and I was nervous about telling you because I didn’t wanna upset you.” I thought, this is really nice of her- she doesn’t owe this to me, we’ve only known each other for about a month! Then she proceeds to tell me that she can’t believe this happened, she didn’t want kids and makes a “joke” that i could have the one growing her belly!!!! Really?!?!?! 

#Infertility E-Cards - LOL - Don't You Wish You Had Said That?

All I could do was turn around and stare at my computer…Not funny, girl. 

She sits about 10 feet away from me, so I see all the runs to the bathroom, all the snacks on her desk, and hardest of all, her bump getting bigger 😦 Last week when I found out that I was miscarrying, I didn’t know how I was gonna make it- knowing I was losing my baby and hers was just growing and in some short months she is gonna be a mommy and who knows what will be going on with me and my uterus. 

I also went for more bloodwork on Wednesday, my beta is still at 18 so i have to go back next Wednesday and hopefully it will be down to zero. I just want to start trying again!! It’s killin me! 

The only thing making this day/week a little better is my amazing husband, who does anything in his power to put a smile on my face, and the back to back episodes of Saved By The Bell on netflix! LOL

Just keep trying... positive inspirational quotes #infertility www.rmany.com